Yeeey..Another sleepless night..How cool,isnt it? It s almost 3am now, and i have early classes tomorrow.Well,i m not sleepy at all..
Monday is my worst day..I have every single classes,plus my two jobs.I really hate mondays.I havent had that monday syndrome for the past years of my life,but since i came to this place i m having it.Yes,it was thanksgiving break and i have gone to DC for 3days.Ate nice food at least and has been in a different environment.From time to time, i felt invisible though..You know you exist, but at the same time you dont..That was the way i felt..Well,i get that feeling whenever i m somewhere around couples.No matter how much they looked caring, i wanted to remain alone there as well.There was this day,i think it was the thanksgiving day actually.We went for a lunch to this really big house of someone,and since everywhere was closed,we were subjected to remain in the house after we returned back from lunch.I went to the basement level of the house,and went out,sat on the bench,listened to music and smoked a bit more than half a pack.That was such a relief until someone came and asked me what was up..Well, nothing was up, but i was quite happy with all the down things.Was enjoying myself,listening and talking to myself..From time to time every person needs it though.Then the next day, we went for shopping..nothing interesting.
Friday night i have returned back from dc, and i was totally knocked down that day.I took a shower,as always did not bother to unpack my bag(actually it has been 2days, and they are still inside of my school bag,lying just in front of my lovely,messy desk),and i hung out in my bed..It is funny that, this bed has this effect of keeping me away from sleeping.Whenever i lay on this bed,sth bothers me and prevents me from sleeping.Today i was reading sth online and realised i might be having cronic insomnia..Well well..Shit happens, is simply the best phrase i can refer to this situation.Yesterday, i drank a bit, then came back to the room quite earlier than others,and slept.Today,almost whole day i was in my bed..Talked to my mum,talked to r., talked to r. more..it was fun though..I really liked it.
I have this überlaziness these days.The worst thing is, i do not really feel guilty about it and it does not even bother me when i do not do sth.Studying is simply not happening,so i just dont bother to attempt anymore.nice logic,isnt it?
Anyways..I dont think this blog is that fun though..But simply i do not or cannot think of sth really interesting or clever right now.I m far away from all those, at this time of time,especially when i am looking for the things that can make me feel asleep.
maybe i should put an online sign-up list for the people who are willing to sing me a lulaby.Anyone? just doesnt work..I gave up.i dont try sleeping anymore,maybe that way it might work..(i m taking hunger as an example though..you know,they say you should not force babies or kids to eat that, one time will come and they will be really hungry and eat anyways,considering they cannot survive without it) However,my sleep decides always the weirdest times to come.And those times,i listen to it,but as i put my head on the pillow,pica bu! i cant sleep again..

Well well..Cheers for "shit happens" situations of our lives...

Have you ever felt like you are really sleepy and want to sleep, but there is no way you can close your eyes?
i dont know..I really was planning to sleep,i even turned my computer off,stopped studying for my theatre exam tomorrow,wore my pijamas,etc..however when i closed my eyes..it just doesnt happen..Something really disturbs me inside.Is it my conscience?or even if it is, why?i dont think i m being bad towards anyone or sth..My mistake is ,i think a lot..It is 1.32 am, and i really have to wake up early tomorrow.This has been happening for such a long time now.I keep feeling really sleepy at weird times of the day.Like around 5pm for example,or just in the middle of the day when everyone is actually feeling totally fresh..why do i have to be weird and cannot sleep properly just like most of the people in this planet?
i read a lot of blogs of other people, thought at least that would help me to sleep..well,didnt work..
What is in my mind?What the fuck is wrong with me? i m tired of asking these questions to myself..Sometimes i simply feel empty..it s this state of mind, where you dont know what in fact you are thinking about or how you should direct your mind to think sth useful..inside i have many many questions..and the worst thing is those questions do not really reflect to the outside world..they remain inside..without answers..
I dont know..today when i was on the phone ,i realised how actually much we use "ahh,i dont know"s..i wanna know...i am aware of the fact that i sound like a complete retard..But well..shit happens..maybe i m a complete retard..absolute retard;D sounds funny though...
The walls in this dorm are like papers, possible to hear everything..the girl next door has these really big speakers,and she keeps turning them on every single time regardless of time..The point is,i dont like the kind of the music the girls listen to in my dorm..I simply cannot stand them..They are all so superficial..Last week, my roomie asked me if her friend could interview with me for his physchology class..(inter cultural bla bla).I accepted her offer.This guy came to interview with me, about my cross cultural experience of US and Turkey..Well, i told him that i had been to a UWC,and that i dont really know what cross cultural difference is anymore..Then he started to ask me how i find Americans and their lives..Maybe i was totally insensitive or sth,but things just poured out of me..When you dont care about the people you are talking about, you dont really feel the need of limiting yourself or your words..that was exactly what happened to me during that interview..i told him that i found 98% of American kids artificial..My roommate was there as well..She looked at me strangely and said that she hadnt known i thought like that..

Oh,yes..K. asked me if i talked to my roommate about her random sexual life i had to observe on thursday night..(well,4.30am)..yes, i did talk to her..And she told me that she had been extremely drunk that she had not even realised i had been in the room..She apologised and stuff..I just adviced her to tell me for the next time she wants to have sex in the room..Well, i really do not wanna be around..Makes me feel pure disgust towards her...And yeah..My math exam went ok i guess..I hope i did not screw it up so much..Well after thanksgiving i m gonna get the results..That s more or less all i wanted to say..

I noticed that for such a long time, my dreams have been quite tiring..When i wake up, i dont feel rested or relaxed..But more like tired, as if i just went out of a war..I dont know for what or against what i m fighting in my dreams..I dont even remember them..Things are becoming weird..
I wish i could have a pack of cigarretes right now..it was raining a lot here today.And i had classes and my two jobs..i did not even have a proper dinner.Eventually i could not go to buy a pack either..I regret it a lot right now..that would be just cool if i had some..Just go outside,dont care about the rain..Take my iPod with me,dont call anyone,be alone totally and smoke for i dont know how long..Until i feel like puking,or until the pack finishes...
Or until the rain drops get tired of making me wet..

Well,here i am again..Last time i entered to this site,i was so sure that i m not going to post any blogs anymore and was angry a bit as well..i even had deleted the previous blogs of mine..Did i change my mind?I am still not sure though..These days i m not really determined enough..I keep giving up or delaying every single time i start or attempt to do sth new..
Fall break for example..I told my friends that i was going with them and for fucks sake,i changed my mind just a couple of hours before..I dont really think they minded it too much though..Are they getting americanised as well?Since non of these american kids care about sth..Maybe i should stop caring as well..just like most of the people in the world..Anyways..
To my surprise,most of my friends who have blogs sound either too depressed or tired..Are we becoming that desperate?Is it the characteristic of our generation?I dont know the answer..These days i m using my right to shut the fuck up..so that noone can use your words or interpret them in the way you dont want them to..

Today i was supposed to go to Theatre Scene Shop for strike hours...actually, i had to..Well,i didnt..I prefered staying in the room and talked on the phone.i dont feel regret about it though..
I finally managed to do my laundry..I still do not have a proper laundry bag,like one of those cool ones that everyone has..i m using the one i used in Flekke..Well it does its job..And i think that s what i need. Last week i did not go to any of my classes..I was sick,and well..i used that sickness to escape from my classes as well..I m in the f******university and i still need to attend all the classes as if they teach me sth soooo useful..Journalism classes..I think i havent been to that classes for allmost a month now..Well, Mr Mullen annoys me a lot,he doesnt teach,but instead he repeats the things everyone already knows(or at least i know) or repeats the books..Mr.Mullen, sorry but i already read the books, why the f*** should i need the review with you? I just hate school..On the other i dont really wanna grow up either..all that working life..well..too depressing..

Some interesting things happened last week.My roomie brought a guy to the room at 4.30 am and they had sex with the rythm of their disgusting sounds..(Her bed is quite close to mine,we dont have curtains..so it was more like.." hey, do you wanna watch porn darling? let me enlighten you" )
I think she was too drunk..the guy was just a random one i suppose..I had to turn my back and close my ears until the guy finished f****** her..then he left..too cheap and disgusting...

That s all for now..I have a math test tomorrow..which i didnt really study properly..Yeeeeyyy!!!