Have you ever felt like you are really sleepy and want to sleep, but there is no way you can close your eyes?
i dont know..I really was planning to sleep,i even turned my computer off,stopped studying for my theatre exam tomorrow,wore my pijamas,etc..however when i closed my eyes..it just doesnt happen..Something really disturbs me inside.Is it my conscience?or even if it is, why?i dont think i m being bad towards anyone or sth..My mistake is ,i think a lot..It is 1.32 am, and i really have to wake up early tomorrow.This has been happening for such a long time now.I keep feeling really sleepy at weird times of the day.Like around 5pm for example,or just in the middle of the day when everyone is actually feeling totally fresh..why do i have to be weird and cannot sleep properly just like most of the people in this planet?
i read a lot of blogs of other people, thought at least that would help me to sleep..well,didnt work..
What is in my mind?What the fuck is wrong with me? i m tired of asking these questions to myself..Sometimes i simply feel empty..it s this state of mind, where you dont know what in fact you are thinking about or how you should direct your mind to think sth useful..inside i have many many questions..and the worst thing is those questions do not really reflect to the outside world..they remain inside..without answers..
I dont know..today when i was on the phone ,i realised how actually much we use "ahh,i dont know"s..i wanna know...i am aware of the fact that i sound like a complete retard..But well..shit happens..maybe i m a complete retard..absolute retard;D sounds funny though...
The walls in this dorm are like papers, possible to hear everything..the girl next door has these really big speakers,and she keeps turning them on every single time regardless of time..The point is,i dont like the kind of the music the girls listen to in my dorm..I simply cannot stand them..They are all so superficial..Last week, my roomie asked me if her friend could interview with me for his physchology class..(inter cultural bla bla).I accepted her offer.This guy came to interview with me, about my cross cultural experience of US and Turkey..Well, i told him that i had been to a UWC,and that i dont really know what cross cultural difference is anymore..Then he started to ask me how i find Americans and their lives..Maybe i was totally insensitive or sth,but things just poured out of me..When you dont care about the people you are talking about, you dont really feel the need of limiting yourself or your words..that was exactly what happened to me during that interview..i told him that i found 98% of American kids artificial..My roommate was there as well..She looked at me strangely and said that she hadnt known i thought like that..

Oh,yes..K. asked me if i talked to my roommate about her random sexual life i had to observe on thursday night..(well,4.30am)..yes, i did talk to her..And she told me that she had been extremely drunk that she had not even realised i had been in the room..She apologised and stuff..I just adviced her to tell me for the next time she wants to have sex in the room..Well, i really do not wanna be around..Makes me feel pure disgust towards her...And yeah..My math exam went ok i guess..I hope i did not screw it up so much..Well after thanksgiving i m gonna get the results..That s more or less all i wanted to say..

I noticed that for such a long time, my dreams have been quite tiring..When i wake up, i dont feel rested or relaxed..But more like tired, as if i just went out of a war..I dont know for what or against what i m fighting in my dreams..I dont even remember them..Things are becoming weird..
I wish i could have a pack of cigarretes right now..it was raining a lot here today.And i had classes and my two jobs..i did not even have a proper dinner.Eventually i could not go to buy a pack either..I regret it a lot right now..that would be just cool if i had some..Just go outside,dont care about the rain..Take my iPod with me,dont call anyone,be alone totally and smoke for i dont know how long..Until i feel like puking,or until the pack finishes...
Or until the rain drops get tired of making me wet..